Day 7

The past week has been an interesting one. I've felt myself being tugged in many directions at once, but I'm happy to report that forward progress seems to be the victor. The summation of these pulls is not as large as they could be, but I'm content.

I'm determined. I'm loved. I'm in awe.

Every time in my life that I've been on the verge of despair or true fear, some sort of light has blasted my eyes, rendering me blind and dependent on a power I cannot fathom. Today it came in the form of a Santa Fe Chicken sandwich at Jason's Deli. Strange, huh?

I had a conversation today with a man I'm happy to call my friend. It was full of tough, probing questions and hypothetical situations. But it was also full of compliments and commendations. My personality flaws were laid out on the table. While none of these were a surprise, hearing them all at once came as a shock to the system. And yet it was during this conversation, after the realization that I had so much I could improve on, that I turned from despair and rather began to devour the second half of my sandwich. It was in silence that I was able to truly listen - not just to my friend, but to the ever forward pull at my heart that comes only from God.

I felt like John... the beloved. I felt so much love and awe in that moment that my end of the conversation trailed off significantly. Perhaps that was taken as a sign of defeat... but really I was so lost in thought, and in this feeling of acceptance and hope that I dumbstruck.

I am flawed. There is always room to improve no matter my ability to minister, to love, to listen. There are always loose lips, frowns, and frustrations that can be surrendered to God. Something that perhaps I should have been more aware of in the past. But in the mingling flavors of vinegar, guacamole, tomato, chicken, and wheat bread - I found myself laid bare, and for once in my life really and truly taking stock of my sins and shortcomings as a whole. Yet at the same time, I felt myself flush as I took stock of my talents and my pillars.

I've never been one to claim that God has something truly extraordinary planned for me... but suddenly its like I can't keep him out of my heart or my mind. Even if the reason for my lunch today does not come to fruition, I am certain that the Santa Fe sandwich is the tastiest that has ever touched my tongue - because its the first thing I've ever eaten feeling truly in the arms of God.

I was quiet for a couple hours following that first bite. I was afraid. I was worried that my feelings were merely an attempt by Satan to convince me that I was just trying to overlook the things I had to work on - that I would simply rest on my laurels and ignore my pitchforks. But the more I thought, the more I felt - the more I realized that something really was different. It is like a motivation that I've not felt my whole life. I really, really want to do something to further the reach of the love of God - no matter when or how.



To the missionaries out there - the ones I know and the ones I don't - thank you for all that you do. Thank you to the ministers and the leaders. To the Beaus, the Emilies, the Boo and Heather Powells, the Brittany Girls, the McDades, and the Brian Agnews - thank you for setting an example for me. Both first hand and not.

To everyone out there I've ever learned from - I am who I am because of your influence. And I love you.

I hope in a year, or 5, or 10, or at least before I pass from this world that I've been able to emulate you in some way. I know God is already proud of me... I just hope I can overcome that obstacles that keep me dissatisfied with myself.



Also - Friday Night Funsies is going to be awesome. That's the only thing I could think of to not make this all serious.