The last couple weeks have been unusual for me. After roughly 3 years as a student and 10 months as an intern at CCF, the year at UGA was underway without me. And without a hitch (so far as I know). This is equal parts and exciting and sobering for me. See, it suddenly became all to real to me waking up on the 15th of August, realizing that Fat Mondays was happening at that exact moment and I wasn't there. Then on the 17th, a Wednesday. A Well without me... or more correctly - Me without a Well. A time when I would normally have been pouring over prayer requests and checking current events to see what to focus on that night. Then the 18th, Thursday. Dinner and a Message. Powerpoints, creativity, last minute changes, decisions, and stress. All of these events and activities conspicuously absent from my life.
Next, though it may seem selfish and juvenile to point it out - a conspicuous absence of companionship. That's only partially realized because of life without CCF. I miss those folks, don't get me wrong. But I knew going into the internship that I'd feel a need to distance myself for a time after my internship. With their absence is felt, it is bearable. The conspicuous absences where companionship is concerned came from one unexpected source, one unavoidable source, and two disappointing sources. First the two disappointing sources - my 2 closest friends in Georgia. One of them just moved in with a friend, effectively doubling the distance between us. And, I might add, he is quite content spending the majority of his time with the person he now lives with. The other closest GA friend... well, I realized the other day that I'm not really a part of his inner-circle. This is disappointing, certainly, but not terribly surprising. He and I are close, and have things in common - but ours has never been a terribly emotionally invested friendship. However, I've not spent near as much time with either of them lately as I once did. And I have talked to each of them a grand total of perhaps 30 minutes in the past 2 weeks. Their absence is conspicuous.
Next, the unavoidable source. My life-long friend, whose marriage I wrote about in an older post, lives very far away. He has lived very far away for around 10 years, so this isn't really new. But in the past, he had family that lived in my neighborhood. Now they have passed away (RIP) or moved away themselves. Now that my friend is in the military, he goes where he is stationed... which is currently Virginia Beach. Not exactly close to Atlanta. Again, this is not terribly different from the past couple of years, but I've realized that I want to get to know him better... because after 10 years - we still have an unbreakable bond as friends, but we have both grown into very different men than the boys we once knew and regularly saw. He is conspicuously absent.
Then, the surprising source. A source which I am wary to mention for reasons that will hopefully (if still a little cryptically) become clear. I made a new friend earlier this summer. A person whom I perhaps considered more than a mere friend. A friendship which, for reasons simultaneously understandable, shared, and frustrating, has taken steps back. Just over two weeks ago, right before UGA started back up and I started to take note of all the things that are absent - this person had to take a break from some parts of their life. I was included on that list. When they resurfaced, briefly, smack in the middle of this two week stretch - it was to discuss taking things back a little. Again, in context - an understandable, shared, and yet still frustrating endeavor. Since then, we have exchanged the rare pleasantry via a social networking site. This person's friendship is conspicuously absent.
About a third of the way into this 2 week period - my Mom and Dad went on vacation to visit my Mom's family and do touristy things in Maryland and DC. I was left in charge of the dogs and the house. I submit to you that a house feels less empty when it has no occupants than when it has only one. Even though I am not a huge fan of living at home - not having anyone to exchange words with during the day was difficult. They were conspicuously absent. And those dogs were no substitute.
I had a time of prayer during this stretch as well wherein I felt nothing when I shut up to listen to God. He was, more than anything else mentioned, conspicuously absent.
As I have said and repeated and hammered home, something was absent. I missed ministering to people. Period. Whether it was at CCF, with friends, or ever by simply being a good son to my parents. About a week after that time of prayer, when I felt next to empty -
A Dark Night of the Soul -
Someone contacted me about a volunteer opportunity at my church. Was I interested in working with the teen ministry? Could I start pretty much immediately?
Yes, yes I could.
And though I still feel disappointingly distant from some people and things in my life, I think God is answering a prayer with this opportunity. Sure, I'm uncomfortable at the prospect - but isn't that for the better? Though I've done almost nothing so far as a Core Member (that's the official title) - I already feel rejuvenated and more resolved than ever to get my butt to grad school next year. I'll still be praying about the friendships and things like that, but those will work themselves out in God's time.
If only I weren't extraordinarily impatient. I suppose patience was designed to be tested.
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