Legacy Shmegacy

Lent has been difficult for me this year. I decided that I wasn't going to worry about the meat thing this year, because I thought it would mean more if I gave up something by choice, and not by some sense of obligation. That seems to have made all the difference for me. In the past, I've never kept up with the things I've decided for lent. This year I chose something seemingly unimportant - soda and tea (basically caffeine) - but it has had an impact on me in other unexpected ways.

I have an addictive personality, and surrendering one of my addictions has opened my eyes to just how crippled I am by what I consider my needs.

I've prayed a lot more, especially when I've felt like I could crack into a coke or go buy a dollar sweet tea at McDonald's.

I've also realized some things about myself that I just genuinely don't like and want to change. Like my attitude, or at least my management of it. I told someone lately that I have a deep fear about the legacy I will leave behind here at CCF. I confided that I worry people will only hang on to their negative memories about me - i.e. when I've yelled at students, when I've been tacit, when I've had a scowl plastered to my face, when I've been down right mean to them, and probably some other things that I don't know I've done.

I've had a rough couple of days, so I was pretty despondent with that student, unwilling to look at the good things I may have done here, and then I brought up prayer. I brought up a big contingent of students from whom I've kept my distance, and began to recite their names, the things they've prayed about, and the questions I'd like to ask them about their lives. This student pointed out to me that I'm clearly doing SOMEthing for this ministry if that's where my heart lies.

I've kept every prayer request that has gone into those battleship boxes from this year. That's a whole heck of a lot of prayer requests. I hold on to the current week's in my pocket. I see patterns, I see repeats, and my heart breaks when the repeats are unchanged. I hear about sick relatives, sick friends, personal struggles, and pain - I read anonymous requests that deal with dark secrets and seemingly insurmountable problems.

Last week, I prayed over the prayer boxes and said something I think I've always felt but never vocalized - even if I don't get to talk to students about their lives, I want to know about them. I want to share in their triumphs and in their praises, and pray for their struggles and their pains. Sometimes the only opportunity I get is in those prayer boxes, but I'll be darned if I'm not going to take advantage of that opportunity.

So, to anyone who's ever put in a prayer request, or even thought about putting one in - know that they are read, they are prayed for, and that YOU are cherished and thought about often.

You are prayed for often.

I may not always show it, and I may have difficulty expressing it when I TRY to show it - but I love and care about each and every one of you.

So there!

I've got fewer days left with you than I'd like, but I'm hoping to make them the most memorable days of my young life. I'm hoping to get to know you better, to hug you more, to pray for you more, and to foster friendships that will last years to come.

So let's get to it.